Reality
by irmaida
Summary: "She wonders why Andromeda can't be like the rest of them, why Andromeda just has to go along and ruin her perfect happiness, pop her visions of a perfect happy complete family." Narcissa Malfoy and her realities throughout her life.


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**Reality**

"Look, Cissy, look Cissy. Isn't it pretty?"

A five-year-old Narcissa Black looks up at the sky, where her older sister Andromeda is pointing and outlining a constellation.

"It is!" she declares, admiring the beautiful little dots of light. "It's really pretty! What is it?"

"It's me!" says Andromeda. "It's Andromeda, the constellation I was named for! And that one…" She moves her finger over. "It's Cygnus, our father."

Narcissa is enchanted. "Where's Bella, Dromeda? Where's Bellatrix?"

"Sorry, Cissy," says Andromeda. "Bella's not here tonight. The star Bellatrix can only be seen in the winter from where we live."

"Winter! But that's six months away!" she whines. "Well then, what about me?"

"Sorry, Cissy," her sister repeats with a sad smile. "But you're not in the sky at all. You're just… Narcissa."

Narcissa sighs. "It's not fair. How come everybody is in the sky except me and Mother?"

Andromeda laughs and pulls her sister closer, laughing. "It's okay, Cissy. It just means you're extra special. And when you grow up, we can name our _own _babies after things in the sky. Won't that be special too?"

The younger girl laughs along with her sister and hugs her closer. "No, I'm going to name my babies after something in the sky. But your babies will be special! They can have names like me! Names like… names like… Nymphadora!"

Andromeda only laughs more. "Nymphadora? What sort of name is that? Anyways, that's a long way to go, Cissy. For now, I'll just teach you where you can find more star groups. See, that one, around the little dipper, that one's Draco…"

**Five feet below reality**

She knocks on her oldest sister's door, balancing the tray of tea and biscuits on her other hand.

"Who is it?" snaps Bellatrix's sharp voice.

"It's me, Cissy," Narcissa answers. "With tea and biscuits, from Mom. She says that you should stop holing yourself in your room; it's summer and it's not good for you."

"Tell Mom that it's _my _summer. I should be able to do what I want. But whatever, you can come in if you don't mind the mess."

So Narcissa steps in, and her oldest sister wasn't lying about the mess. Messy robes and stacks of papers lie everywhere. The bed looks like it hasn't been made in days. The desk is cluttered with food wrappers and hair ribbons and little talismans. Even the walls are messy, with a disarray of various posters of Quidditch teams and wizard music groups and even newspaper articles tacked up onto the wall. One article in particular catches her eye.

"What's that?" she asks, setting the platter of food on her sister's cluttered desk and pointing at the article.

"An article from the _Daily Prophet_, duh," answers Bellatrix, snagging a biscuit. "Look, it's the Dark Lord. Isn't it grand?"

Narcissa doesn't answer for a while, but instead chews on a biscuit. "I don't know," she says slowly. "Dromeda says—"

"Don't listen to Dromeda!" orders Bellatrix, her tone ever more sour and sharp than usual. "Dromeda doesn't know _anything_, the little blood traitor. Ugh, Hufflepuff! Of all the Houses, _Hufflepuff_! I would have been okay with _Ravenclaw_, even Gryffindor! But no, she gets put in the House of losers. And the sort of people she hangs out with, the people she calls her 'friends.' They're all mudbloods and other blood traitors and filthy little—"

"I don't know," Narcissa interrupts. "They seem nice."

"Listen, little sis. You've been spending way too much time with Andromeda," she spits out the name as if it were a mucus-flavored jellybean. "Hang around with _me_, I'll show you the type of people you should _really _be with."

"Well…"

"Mother doesn't like Dromeda's lot either, doesn't she?"

Narcissa sighs and nods, because her older sister is right. "You're right. Maybe you can introduce me to some of your friends?"

"That's more like it, Cissy. You aren't a lost case after all."

**Fifteen feet below reality**

Andromeda did it.

She got engaged to that mudblood boy, Ted Ronks or whatever.

She wonders why Andromeda can't be like the rest of them, why Andromeda just has to go along and ruin her perfect happiness, pop her visions of a perfect happy complete family. She herself is also married, having recently married Lucius Malfoy, and it had been a perfectly happy and very suitable arrangement. Why can't Andromeda be like the rest of them?

She's always opposed the growing relationship between the two, her and their parents and _especially _Bellatrix. She had harshly told her, many times, that the mudblood wasn't worth it, insulting both Andromeda and the boy. In fact, when their parents had heard of their engagement, they had immediately charred her figure on the family tree and threatened to disown her.

Bellatrix's come over to visit the day the invitation arrives. "Wow," she remarks. "So this is your brand new home. You married well. It's obvious this guy has big bucks."

"Bella," she says patiently. "I didn't just marry him for the _money_." She would have liked to talk more about Lucius and family and everything, but that's when two owls fly in and drop letters on their laps.

She flips through them absentmindedly—notes from her friends congratulating her on her marriage, a particularly long one from her mother, and then one in a fancy decorated envelope from… _Andromeda_?

Bellatrix opens the envelope before she does, and she immediately makes it known with a loud, foul word. "The nerve of her!" she declares. "Inviting her to her _wedding_! Oh I'll come to her wedding all right. I'll come to her wedding and—"

"Calm down, Bella," she says as soothingly as she can. Then, meekly. "D-don't you think maybe we should stop by? Ju-just for a bit of the reception?"

"_Narcissa Black Malfoy!_" Bellatrix shrieks. "Are you _insane_? Are you saying we should _encourage _this madness by showing up at the wedding?" Narcissa winces, knowing that Bellatrix never calls her by her full name unless she is seriously upset.

"Do-don't you think it's a little romantic?" she asks, even more quietly.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? Have you _lost _your mind? There is _nothing _romantic about it! Dromeda's just marrying him because she's _insane _and wants to rebel and make me upset!"

Narcissa practically sinks into her chair, almost disappearing. "You're right," she says. "You always are. It was a stupid idea."

Bellatrix nods. "That's more like it, Cissy. Come on, give me those invitations, I'll burn them for you."

**Forty-five feet below reality**

Lucius is much more involved with the Death Eaters than her birth family, like Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. Narcissa herself doesn't join the Death Eaters like her sister does, never tattooing the Dark Mark onto her upper arm or anything, but she supports them. She and Lucius offer money and time and everything they can. She's worried for Lucius, but at the same time, she's proud of him.

After all, the Dark Lord has the right idea. Muggle-borns and those who associate with them are scum, and purebloods should rule supremely. Without Muggles and other half-breeds like goblins and giants, wizards could do so much more, instead of living secretly in hiding.

It's what she's been taught, and grown to believe completely.

**Thirty feet below reality**

The years after the Dark Lord's defeat, life goes to normal. She has a son and names him Draco, despite Lucius's wish to name him after himself. She can't quite remember why she wants to name him Draco so badly, but she knows her family would like it if she continued their tradition of naming their children after celestial objects.

So she lives like this. Bellatrix is in Azkaban, and for some reason, she feels awful for feeling so, but it's kind of relieving. Before Bellatrix was there, she was constantly visiting and telling her about the glory of the Dark Lord. And she remembers, that before Bellatrix had gone off, they had a fight. Her sister had been screaming about how she should be there with her—she _knows_ they weren't under the Imperius Curse and when the Dark Lord is back, he'll punish them all for their disloyalty.

"_I thought we were in this together Cissy! _All _of us!_"

"I'm sorry Bella. I really am. But I have little Draco, and we can't go to Azkaban!" And when she had suggested that Bellatrix use her influence and money to get out of Azkaban, she had looked at her as if she were nuts.

"When the Dark Lord comes back, he will _know _I was loyal."

Narcissa had begged Bellatrix not to go, offered for her and Lucius to pull some strings, but Bellatrix had been adamant. And she kept saying the Dark Lord would be back.

Narcissa doesn't know what to believe. In all honesty, times where the Dark Lord reigned were taxing. Lucius and Bellatrix was almost always away from home, she couldn't talk to Andromeda, and it was just terribly lonely in the huge manor. And it isn't good to raise a son during times of war. So in a way, she's glad the war is over, even if it means that the other side won. It's just not worth it—Bellatrix sent Azkaban and Regulus dead and Andromeda alienated and Lucius gone all the time.

So the years after, she settles into a life of contentment. Easy, happy years with Draco and Lucius. She almost forgets about Bellatrix and Andromeda entirely—two complete ends of the spectrum, one who is in Azkaban for her loyalty to the Dark Lord, and one who has been completely disowned and alienated for her loyalty to the other side.

She doesn't know which side she should support. And thank goodness, in these years, she doesn't. So she simply forgets about them. She keeps her ideals of pureblood supremacy because it's the one ideal she _knows _she can safely believe, but she sure as fine can believe it at home without getting involved or taking any major sides. During these years, at least.

**Fifty feet below reality**

Both those years pass.

And soon Lucius is applying salve to his Dark Mark.

"Did it flare up again?" she asks, worried.

"Third time this week," he grunts. He looks at her, and from his eyes she can tell that even though he's trying to hide it, he's worried too. Terrified, even.

And the next thing she knows the Dark Lord has risen again. And Lucius is leaving again. And Bellatrix has escaped from Azkaban and she's seeking refuge in the Malfoy Manor.

"I told you the Dark Lord would return and rescue us," she says smugly. "You betrayed him during those times, and if it were up to me, I would torture you, but the Dark Lord is merciful and apparently your husband isn't as stupid as I thought. So, how were you these years, Cissy?"

And it's going all, all, all too fast for her. What is going on? And Bellatrix is lounging on her couch, and then Lucius is going off to the Department of Mysteries for the Dark Lord. She tries to keep her letters to Draco as cheery as possible because she knows Draco is so proud of having a Death Eater father, but in reality she herself is terrified.

"Stop being such a worrywart, Cissy. You're little husband will be fine. And if he dies, it's for the glory of the Dark Lord," she says, playing with an edge of ribbon her couch.

But she can't stop worrying.

And then her husband is sent to Azkaban.

**Seventy-five feet below reality**

The next year is dark, especially dark. Draco has been given a mission she _knows _is impossible. He knows it too, but he's too stubborn to admit it. And Bellatrix just keeps insisting that it's an honor. As if she didn't know it was a suicide mission too. She asks Severus for help, but what can he do? And Lucius—oh, poor Lucius—is in Azkaban. When Narcissa asks her sister what it is like and whether she thinks Lucius will survive, Bellatrix only shrugs.

"Who knows? But if it's for the good of the Dark Lord, does it really matter? Stop being so selfish! Cissy, you have to choose where your loyalties lie. With _us_, with the other side, or just with yourself?"

"I-I don't know!" she wails, and she begins crying.

"Pull yourself together, Cissy!" says Bellatrix harshly. "Come on, you _know _where you belong. Now get there!"

So she does. She follows Bellatrix's advice the best she can, but the truth is, she honestly doesn't know. But her sister has always given her sound, sage advice. Why should she not listen to her?

The year is a blur of darkness, but at least she can't get any lower. Can she?

**Sixty-five feet below reality**

Somehow Lucius gets out of Azkaban, and Draco gets out of his near encounter with death. A miracle. But it's still not over. The War has only begun. She can no longer stay uninvolved; she has to choose a side. And so she chooses the side she is expected too, and even houses the Dark Lord in Malfoy Manor, but she isn't comfortable with it. She knows how temperamental the Dark Lord is—one misstep, and they can all die.

It's terrifying, but the thing that scares her the most is seeing her little son, her darling baby boy, being forced to grow up too fast.

After the skirmish at their Manor, where they capture Harry Potter and his two friends and then promptly lose them, in addition to all the other prisoners in their basement, the Dark Lord punishes them and then leaves, leaving the family alone in her bedroom.

"Mother," says Draco, "I'm scared."

Her heart breaks for her little boy. "Don't be, Draco. As soon as this war is over and the Dark Lord wins—"

"But Mother, even if he wins, won't he still hate us unless we do everything he tells us to do for the rest of our lives?"

He's right. He's right and it terrifies her. So she does what she always does. She denies it. "Of course that's not going to happen, Draco. And serving the Dark Lord is an honor, isn't it?"

"Lucius!" cries a voice from across the hall. "Get your wife and son and come out here! The Dark Lord does not like to be kept waiting!"

"Here," she says, handing Draco her wand. "Stay safe. I know you can." And she kisses him on top of his head and goes off to follow the Dark Lord.

**Twenty feet below reality**

Situations only get worse. Both she and her husbands have no wand, but Draco does. And they have a silent agreement that they will do _anything _to keep him safe. Anything.

But how far will she go? They're treading on unstable ground. One false step, and she and Lucius and Draco could all lose their lives. Draco was right, and it's terrifying. Even if the Dark Lord wins, she will still live the rest of her life in fear, in this terrible, terrible darkness. What is the only way for them to be happy and reunited?

When she asks Bellatrix, her sister laughs. "Cissy, I swear, you're going insane. Forget about your so-called family! This is your _real _family!"

"You mean, you don't care? You don't care that I could die and Lucius could die and Draco could die?" she asks.

"Don't be so melodramatic, Cissy. I just mean that it doesn't really matter in the end, does it?"

But it does! She wants to scream this to Bellatrix; why doesn't her sister understand? She's always given such wonderful advice, and Narcissa has always looked up to her, but now she is beginning to have second thoughts. No, Bellatrix can't understand. Her life will always be devoted to her precious Dark Lord. And because of that, she can't listen to Bellatrix anymore. Listening to Bellatrix will make Bellatrix happy, but what about her and her family?

She and Lucius still use their home as one of the Headquarters. But the Dark Lord is often away now, on some sort of quest to find some wand. Neither she nor Lucius are trusted as they once were, or given details.

When she hears of the Battle of Hogwarts on the radio, she knows that Draco must be in it. And she immediately panics. She paces back and forth in the Manor. When the Death Eaters are called, she goes with them, even though she usually doesn't. She loses Lucius somewhere among the battle, and although she wants to look for Draco, she knows she cannot, at least not until the Dark Lord dismisses them all. So she fights, or at least puts of a façade of fighting.

The one hour armistice is announced. They retreat, outside the castle, and she finds Lucius, and they all wait for Harry Potter. Well, they're supposed to be waiting for him.

Narcissa is in hysterics. "Lucius, have you seen Draco?"

Lucius shakes his head, equally hysterical.

Time ticks away. Forty-five minutes left. Bellatrix laughs with glee. "So close to victory, Cissy. Of course that Potter boy will show himself. He's got the stupid bone in him, thinks it's noble and all."

And for the first time, she realizes something. It _is_ noble. It's incredibly noble to die for a cause that you really believe in. Bellatrix was always saying it was noble to die for Voldemort. No, it's not noble to die for the world he will create. But when Voldemort died for the first time, there was real peace. The quiet life. And she wants it so badly.

But what will happen? Potter will die and a few lives will be spared, and they will win. Potter lives and less lives will be spared, but they will still win.

It's like she's dug her own grave. Should she just stay on this side? If she continues supporting this side, then maybe, maybe, the Dark Lord will spare them. While if she betrays him, she will most definitely be punished.

_But Mother, even if he wins, won't he still hate us unless we do everything he tells us to do for the rest of our lives?_

It's too confusing! Bellatrix will never be able to help. She turns for Lucius, but Lucius is gone. And Draco is gone—has been gone for a while now, and suddenly, the thought strikes her like an arrow to her heart. What if, what if he's _dead_?

**Ten feet below reality**

"_Avada Kedavra."_

So that's it. Harry Potter is dead—dead for good, dead, and with him, any hopes of the other side winning.

Bellatrix is beside herself with glee and reverence. "My Lord, my _Lord_." Narcissa stands by herself, hardly able to feel her limbs. Harry Potter is dead, and with it, her hopes of a peaceful life.

"_Eeek!_" she shrieks in pain as the Dark Lord points his wand towards her and orders her to check to see if the Potter boy is really dead.

She feels a heartbeat. So that's it. Harry Potter is alive—alive, and with him, all the hopes of the other side winning. And her hopes of finding Draco.

"_Is Draco alive? Is he in the castle?_" she whispers.

"_Yes._"

"He is dead!" she declares, lying through her teeth, hoping her voice doesn't sound as nervous as she is. She knows she is betraying the Dark Lord, and if he ever discovers, she and her family will all be disgraced and killed. But she's risking everything for a possible future because it's so much better than the future she knows she'll receive if she doesn't risk.

"_Yessssss!_"

And they believe her. They _believe _her. She still has a chance, a chance to reunite her family and maybe for their family to live in peace if Potter's side wins. But most importantly, she will be allowed into Hogwarts as part of the "conquering" army and find Draco.

The rest of the night is kind of blurry. For the first half, when everyone is convinced Potter is dead, it is fuzzy because she is terrified that any moment it will be discovered that she betrayed the Dark Lord and be killed for it. And then for the second half, when Potter escapes, it is fuzzy because she and Lucius are running around Hogwarts, screaming for Draco. But with all the other chaos, dueling and spells and the headless snake and the little house elves running around rampant, she doesn't think anyone really notices.

"_Draco! Draco!_"

**Three feet below reality**

It's over.

The Dark Lord has been defeated. It seems impossible, but everywhere there are yells of joy. And not only is the Dark Lord gone, so is Bellatrix. And with it, the huge load off her heart. She hadn't known how much she had been held down until it was gone. Their family… their family will be okay! Now all that's left is finding Draco, oh, he must be alive, he _must_.

"I found him, I found him!" screams Lucius suddenly, and she whirls around and there's Draco, smudged and dirty with a few scrapes but otherwise _alive_.

"Mother!" he yells, and she screams with joy and begins laughing and crying, they all embrace. All around them are mudblood families and half-breed house elves and blood traitor families like the Weasleys. They seem to be the only Slytherin pureblood family, but today, she doesn't care. And neither do Lucius and Draco. Deep down, are they really that different? She sees other mothers crying over their found sons, other sons clutching their father with glee and disbelief.

No, they aren't. They really aren't that different after all.

**Reality**

Two weeks have passed, and so much has happened.

Peace wasn't immediate. There were funerals, the rebuilding of parts of the Malfoy Manor, buying three new wands for all of them. And there were hearings. She remembers waiting with the other Death Eaters for their trial, and hearing ruling after ruling of a life sentence in Azkaban, and again, being terrified, wondering if her family would be separated again. And she remembers Harry Potter, the same Harry Potter she used to hate, witnessing for her.

"Narcissa Malfoy saved my life. If it weren't for her, who knew how things might have turned out?"

So she and her family were spared, and for the second time in that week, they were crying and laughing and embracing. And she saw Draco and Harry lock eyes and some sort of secret exchange was made between them, and she hugged her son tighter, proud of how much he had grown up. It had been a day of stress and joy. But what's been haunting her is someone else she saw at her trial—Andromeda. They had locked eyes too. And she didn't know what to make of it.

Life returns to normal—well, if this is what normal feels like. She's not sure she remembers anymore. Maybe this is better than normal, Lucius always in a ridiculously cheerful mood and Draco beginning to court a girl—pureblood, of course; some things do never change. But she still remembers Andromeda, and it haunts her. So she asks Lucius if she could go visit her sister one day.

"Andromeda? Your blood traitor sister?" he asks.

"Lucius, please," she begs feebly, unable to think of any reason she wants to go visit so badly.

"My own wife, a blood traitor," he mutters. But maybe it's because he's euphoric with their good luck and him regaining his job in the Ministry and them going to something as normal as a Quidditch game the next week, but he winks and begins whistling. "Go, have a good time."

She doesn't know how she knows the address, but she does. And when she appears in front of a shabby old shack, so different from her manor, she somehow knows it's Andromeda's. And she knocks. And the door opens.

Andromeda—older, and tired, and grown up—but still Andromeda, through and through.

"Narcissa," she says coldly. "What are you doing here?" she snaps. There is no pity, no love in her voice, just anger.

"Andromeda," Narcissa snaps back, possibly even colder, completely unable to comprehend why she Apparated here. And when she sees the cold anger in her sister's eyes, she looks again at the shabby shack and remembers why she doesn't associate with her sister, why they disowned Andromeda in the first place. "I just wanted to see your face. But I should get back to Lucius and Draco." And she turns on her heels and turns away, fighting back tears of shame.

"Draco?" her sister is laughing. "Seriously, that's what you named your son?"

She stiffens, refusing to turn around. "Yes. It's a perfectly respectable name. What did you name _your _children?"

"Nymphadora," Andromeda replies. And then suddenly all thoughts of Apparating are out of her head, and she turns around and she's laughing too, and Andromeda is there with open arms that she runs into.

"Oh, Dromeda, oh Dromeda, I missed you!"

"I thought you hated me, Cissy. You and Bella and everyone else," says Andromeda, pulling away from the hug.

She looks down at her feet. "I know, and I was awful and I'm sorry, but I don't really care anymore." And she hugs her sister tighter. "So, where is this Nymphadora so I can meet her?"

Andromeda pulls away farther from the hug. "Gone. Killed in the war. J-just like Ted and Remus!"

"Oh, Dromeda! Why didn't you invite me to the funerals?"

"I thought you wouldn't come." And they're both crying, for the daughter she helped name that she will never meet, and the man her sister loved, and everyone else lost in the war, because Narcissa knows how easily that could have been her, had things gone another way.

They stay a long time like that, and then they go in and talk over tea. It's a bit awkward at first, but it's amazing how understanding and forgiving Andromeda is, even after everything she's done.

When night falls, they go outside, and it's amazing, after all that's changed, they're still looking at the same summer night sky.

* * *

Phew, I'm done. So this fic was written for the lovely **spiral nebula**. I'm not really happy with the way this turned out but whatever. If anyone sees any disparities with canon and character, please let me know because it's been a while since I read the books. I also apologize for my terrible incorporation of the prompts.


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